What I should have done

In the last 8 months, almost a year since the famous proposal that died in a month, there have been times that I have thought about what I should have done differently. Of course, the wisest one would have been made in the summer of 2002. I should have had some fun and not gotten serious. I mean, I found out the first lie by omission in July of '02. That day that went from soaring with newly said " I love you's" to the 'what the hell??' when your wife spoke with my mother. I should have had major second thoughts..but love had already blinded me.

My second chance in Stafford was also blown, by me. That time heart ache prevailed. Would you have preferred a screaming harpy instead of the quiet sarcastic comment I made after seeing the chats you had going on with 2 different women? If I had yelled and thrown something, would it have stopped you from declaring you were leaving me? Maybe throwing some things in anger would have kept me from the incredible pain you dealt. Damn, sometimes I wish I was a more violent person..who knows..maybe that is what you needed me to be. But my conditioning through childhood and adulthood was such that you did Not yell, you talked, like adults.

I did get a good "yell on" the morning that your conversation of love and sweet nothings with Alesha was discovered. That was a real stinker of a blow. I knew you were capable of talking it up to the other mysterious women on the internet, but this was someone you worked with, texted constantly with, and spent time outside of work with as it turned out. You'd sit in your car to finish your conversation while in the garage. ( how much of an idiot did you think I was?) Just how much you did Not reveal, I really don't want to know. (From other sources I heard she had sex with more than a few people at your work.) But I should have packed my bags in truth, instead of continuing to spend every weekend for over a year sleeping on an air mattress away from home, trying to bring in the money We needed to get by. Nope again..stupid me.

This last time was a killer. I still have not a clue what caused you to propose one month and screw around the next. Believe me, I considered jail time for doing a Lorena Bobbitt. But what would that have changed? You had been trying to run away from me for 9 years. I was the idiot that believed the words "i love you" were real, it never occurred to me that it was just a word you said but did not mean. I did have faith in you, if not trust.

That is why I kept trying to keep us together. That is why I never gave up hope, despite the betrayals. Yes, I had trust issues, quite understandably given your track record. What is that line? It takes years to build trust and a second to lose it. I tried, I really did. But my instinct was always spot on, I knew you, and knew when you were separating yourself, it showed in your moods, your attitude, your actions. Yes, I did know you quite well, but not well enough I guess.

Here is to all the times I wanted to take an ax to your computer, stomp on your phone and bury it. It was just so easy for you to give in, you never tried to fight your compulsion to cheat at all. You give up and give in too easily to the little devil that whispers in your ear. He wins every time.