I wonder about the things that happen in our life to shape us, make us who we are today. On the topic of forgiveness I have a more than the usual background of data to personally draw from. I had always believed, because of my history, that forgiveness is vital to my own well being, to set things right with God, and my own peace of mind. The Church teaches us as Christians to let it go, don't hold grudges against those who sin or act against us. I have tried to live a life that practices this belief.
I spent a large amount of time in my youth in church activities, especially when we lived in Ohio. I was about 14-16 years old, living in a very small town, with other kids that had known each other since practically birth. I was the odd duck, the transplant. Because we had moved so much, ( starting when I was 8, we moved 4 times between 3rd grade and freshman year at high school. I went to 4 different high schools) I had grown used to spending time alone.
Making friends when you are in your early teens is not always easy. We had a pretty cool church with teen activities and workshops. If you are wondering, I am a Lutheran, not too strict, not too loose..a church that simplifies some of the extra trimmings, but delivers the same message. ( read more about it..Martin Luther, Wiki link: Martin Luther ) We performed skits to raise cash, which was right up my alley, as a member of the Thespian society at the High School.
During the season of Lent, our little teen troupe of actors took our tour on the road to other churches, not all of them were Lutheran, it was a cool experience. But it was the message of our play that stuck with me, more than mumbling on prompts at church can do. It was about Forgiveness, and how it related to different situations and people. It was actually pretty gritty stuff for a church to perform. The characters we portrayed were not biblical, they were about Us, and our families, and doing things that were hard to forgive, and being forgiven.
That lesson stuck with me for years. I did not hold grudges for long, because inside I was having a conversation drawn from memory. Was I trying to be an Uber Christian? No. I was just trying to do the right thing, follow the teaching of Christ, love thy neighbor, turn the other cheek, etc.
For the most part, I will likely continue to live this way. But..the forgiveness given to a certain party over a 9 year period pushed the limits on what I am capable of giving.
Forgive and forget is a frequent piece of advice I have received since January 14th. I am not going to do either one. To forget means that I might set myself up to be used or hurt like that again, and I am so not going to do that, ever. I intend to remember every bit of it, as a new memory to draw from when I have a personal decision to make regarding giving my heart away. Forgiveness? Not this time. It was a direct and deliberate act, not something done by mistake. I had already forgiven and tried to forget more than a few other instances of infidelity, or the plans to be unfaithful. (operative word there is TRIED)
Because it happened more than few times,( a repeat offender) my ability to forgive has run out. He is not deserving of forgiveness at this time, maybe on my death bed, but not before. If someone makes a mistake and learns from it, I have no reason to not forgive. Choosing to live the life style he has makes it impossible for me to grant it..no one makes a mistake that often, what he did he did on purpose with forethought, for very selfish and self-gratifying reasons.
I believe he planned in cruelty, to hurt me as much as he possibly could. He plotted, executed and if he could have, would have physically wounded me if it was possible, instead he crushed my dreams and my heart like a bug. Hate was in his heart. Why? Because having me around prevented him from screwing and seducing whomever he felt like using at that moment. I was in his way, my continued forgiveness was messing with his plans.
So to that question, "To forgive, or not to forgive?" This time it is Not.
I spent a large amount of time in my youth in church activities, especially when we lived in Ohio. I was about 14-16 years old, living in a very small town, with other kids that had known each other since practically birth. I was the odd duck, the transplant. Because we had moved so much, ( starting when I was 8, we moved 4 times between 3rd grade and freshman year at high school. I went to 4 different high schools) I had grown used to spending time alone.
Making friends when you are in your early teens is not always easy. We had a pretty cool church with teen activities and workshops. If you are wondering, I am a Lutheran, not too strict, not too loose..a church that simplifies some of the extra trimmings, but delivers the same message. ( read more about it..Martin Luther, Wiki link: Martin Luther ) We performed skits to raise cash, which was right up my alley, as a member of the Thespian society at the High School.
During the season of Lent, our little teen troupe of actors took our tour on the road to other churches, not all of them were Lutheran, it was a cool experience. But it was the message of our play that stuck with me, more than mumbling on prompts at church can do. It was about Forgiveness, and how it related to different situations and people. It was actually pretty gritty stuff for a church to perform. The characters we portrayed were not biblical, they were about Us, and our families, and doing things that were hard to forgive, and being forgiven.
That lesson stuck with me for years. I did not hold grudges for long, because inside I was having a conversation drawn from memory. Was I trying to be an Uber Christian? No. I was just trying to do the right thing, follow the teaching of Christ, love thy neighbor, turn the other cheek, etc.
For the most part, I will likely continue to live this way. But..the forgiveness given to a certain party over a 9 year period pushed the limits on what I am capable of giving.
Forgive and forget is a frequent piece of advice I have received since January 14th. I am not going to do either one. To forget means that I might set myself up to be used or hurt like that again, and I am so not going to do that, ever. I intend to remember every bit of it, as a new memory to draw from when I have a personal decision to make regarding giving my heart away. Forgiveness? Not this time. It was a direct and deliberate act, not something done by mistake. I had already forgiven and tried to forget more than a few other instances of infidelity, or the plans to be unfaithful. (operative word there is TRIED)
Because it happened more than few times,( a repeat offender) my ability to forgive has run out. He is not deserving of forgiveness at this time, maybe on my death bed, but not before. If someone makes a mistake and learns from it, I have no reason to not forgive. Choosing to live the life style he has makes it impossible for me to grant it..no one makes a mistake that often, what he did he did on purpose with forethought, for very selfish and self-gratifying reasons.
I believe he planned in cruelty, to hurt me as much as he possibly could. He plotted, executed and if he could have, would have physically wounded me if it was possible, instead he crushed my dreams and my heart like a bug. Hate was in his heart. Why? Because having me around prevented him from screwing and seducing whomever he felt like using at that moment. I was in his way, my continued forgiveness was messing with his plans.
So to that question, "To forgive, or not to forgive?" This time it is Not.
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