Way too tired to make much sense, long day at work, starting with little sleep. I started strong, waxed towards sad ( DAMN LOVE SONGS!!!) then ended with a rose, and a gentle warm hug. I work with some awesome people, especially since I have been on and off water works for several weeks now. No one expects you to be perfect, they understand life's trials, having been there themselves. Sometimes a mindless chore, or a very busy day takes your mind off your troubles. Today was too much on the slow side for me, the post at the Valentine's dinner a bit more than I could take. Not a racking boo-hoo session, just a memory of better days that I don't know were real or not.
Better times..that's my problem...too many good times gone by, and not enough good times to take their place. How to fix that? Not sure. And I don't want to hear bullshit like 'time heals all wounds', because some wounds( deep and viciously stabbed) are hard to close. There are plenty of days when it all seems like a very bad nightmare I might wake up from. Other days..the nightmare is still with me. So I need new memories. I need to reinforce in my mind how I saw things with my rosy glasses, and not the truth..too many lies for those days to be as good as they seemed. I still wonder just how many of those years I was being duped. Were any of the feelings shared real? Or just something I really wanted to be real, and just felt by me, never him. Still seems so incredibly cold and cruel, the planning, the act, the life I now live. An outsider in a home I once thought was mine, no one happy to see me at the end of a work day. Alien, surreal life that is now mine..where work feels more like home, then home does. It's half a life, not whole. That is where I am now. Feeling like there is no 'home' anymore. I am the outsider..I am homeless in my heart. Everyone needs somewhere to really come home to. Not a roof, a bed, a chair...a feeling of belonging and welcome, to be there when you are done for the day. And for me..He 'was' home, but is Not anymore.
Better times..that's my problem...too many good times gone by, and not enough good times to take their place. How to fix that? Not sure. And I don't want to hear bullshit like 'time heals all wounds', because some wounds( deep and viciously stabbed) are hard to close. There are plenty of days when it all seems like a very bad nightmare I might wake up from. Other days..the nightmare is still with me. So I need new memories. I need to reinforce in my mind how I saw things with my rosy glasses, and not the truth..too many lies for those days to be as good as they seemed. I still wonder just how many of those years I was being duped. Were any of the feelings shared real? Or just something I really wanted to be real, and just felt by me, never him. Still seems so incredibly cold and cruel, the planning, the act, the life I now live. An outsider in a home I once thought was mine, no one happy to see me at the end of a work day. Alien, surreal life that is now mine..where work feels more like home, then home does. It's half a life, not whole. That is where I am now. Feeling like there is no 'home' anymore. I am the outsider..I am homeless in my heart. Everyone needs somewhere to really come home to. Not a roof, a bed, a chair...a feeling of belonging and welcome, to be there when you are done for the day. And for me..He 'was' home, but is Not anymore.
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