--Fear of not leaving a legacy.
--Fear of being left alone after your partner passes on. ( ridiculous: why? because even though I am older my general health was better than yours)
--Fear of losing your youth- you are no different than millions of others who believe they need to start over only to find that time passes whether you like it or not-dating someone who could be your kids age?...so silly. Are you taking care of yourself ? Watching your cardiac health?)
--Fear of not having someone to take care of you in your old age-a built in nurse (and family) in waiting.
--Fear that you are missing something better..that one keeps coming back. Stuck in a rut because no effort was made to change that without changing partners.
Think about it. Running from one relationship to another, and acting like a teenager while you did it. I wonder if that ball of fear is still there inside of you?
I know you remember your famous quote, "The two greatest emotions are love and fear." (you say it a lot) I hate to tell you, it was not really fear I was feeling, not compared to your fears. ( all spoken of by yourself while you were under the influence and explaining WHY) I had no fear except that my love would be lost. And it was.
If I was so desperately afraid that I would not have love of any kind, then why did I not immediately try and replace you? I haven't, and likely will not. If that makes you feel like you have won something, I would not begin to know why. Nor will I ever understand why your "love" became hate, and why you took such pleasure in inflicting as much pain as you possibly could. You admitted yourself that you were acting like an ass. For the life of me, I have no idea why. I never in nine years ever hurt you that way. I did not nag, bitch, argue, yell, cheat, steal or lie to you. My moods reflected yours. You snapped and I withdrew into myself to keep the peace.
I thought we had a forever love, one I truly believed in. I believed in you, and I wanted us to make it. I always stood behind your dreams, no matter what you tell yourself now. I'm not afraid to face life alone, I knew I could do it, but it was not what I dreamed of. It's not a barrel of fun, but it has not changed how I feel now and how I felt then. For months I felt like a victim, stabbed in the heart. These days I only wonder a lot about our time together, what your true feelings for me really were.
later-k
ps: Despite happy horoscopes and 3 attempts at 'trying' to find someone on line, I stopped. It did not feel right. I felt like I was pushing because it was expected that I try, self-expectations that is. I Tried and quickly ran away closing the dating accounts. I'd rather continue to move along as a single not looking. I feel that I have already had my chance for love., my heart is not looking for a replacement.
Posts
