If you have been following this blog, you know that it is my finances that are strangling me, and preventing me from being positive about my future. If there was not a problem, then I believe I would be able to relax and slowly move forward. As it stands right now, I am flattened up against a wall. If I could wave my arms in surrender, I would do it, holding the white flag and dancing a jig if it helped at all. I have been trying to grow in my current job, and a lot of that depends on me being able to show I have my finances in order. When In fact, it is total chaos. Picture a tornado of bills whirling around in the air...then picture me trying to protect myself, yet reaching into that maelstrom to grab one out and try to find a fix. That is what I feel like. It is totally overwhelming me.
I am trying to take one bite at a time of a gigantic Dagwood sandwich. I keep chewing and the sandwich seems the same size..damn it! In order to fix things, I have to have money that I don't have, and have no way of obtaining..that pretty much sums it up. If I decide that I should move on and find a better paying job, well most companies do credit checks with new hires these days. Would I pass? Hell no. So I have to find a fix with a job I already had prior to the dumping and my finances failing. What is very sad is that up till the dumping I had good credit, and I don't mean fair, I mean good. I would have qualified for any loan I tried for.
So if it seems that I cry and point fingers at R for ruining me, it is because none of those credit cards would be where they were if I had not been part of a couple. When you truly consider yourself a partner, then you do not ignore the needs of the other. That is what I believed, and why I never stopped giving. I believed that as a team we would be able to grow, get that house, pay those bills. I never for a moment believed that he would do what he did, which is essentially abandoning me, tossing me away to deal alone with bills that were incurred for Us.
As a betrayal goes, he stabbed me many times in his quest to start over and forget us.
I figure that God or Karma will deal with him. As for me? It's damn frustrating and scary to not be able to get my problems resolved. Maybe if I had not been pushed so hard to get out, and was able to find someone who would share the rent, I would have been better off. But as Mel has said, I was bleeding more everyday, the stress was quite bad on my side of things. How he felt I won't ever know, because he was a wall of ice that sat next to me while we were both on the computers, talking to others, then going upstairs to laugh loudly at some stupid TV show. All a front that was meant to deliver a message that I did not matter anymore. Really...as with my last blog entry, how immature to believe and act like he did. An adult deals differently with the results of his actions. He was like a little kid doing a " nanny-nanny-boo-boo" and blowing a raspberry in my direction. He may not want to believe he is responsible for destroying me, but it does not stop if from being true. The decision he made I had no part in.
Again I reiterate, do bad , get bad. It all comes back to you.
The damage he did shall be returned, this I do believe. Which is why, even as tempting as it was to get even, I never did. Besides, maturity is not missing in me, my problem is that I trusted the wrong person.. It Never occurred to me that someone who I loved sincerely could be so cruel.
My future is still whirling in that tornado...if the tornado touches the ground I won't make it. I really do need a miracle.
I am trying to take one bite at a time of a gigantic Dagwood sandwich. I keep chewing and the sandwich seems the same size..damn it! In order to fix things, I have to have money that I don't have, and have no way of obtaining..that pretty much sums it up. If I decide that I should move on and find a better paying job, well most companies do credit checks with new hires these days. Would I pass? Hell no. So I have to find a fix with a job I already had prior to the dumping and my finances failing. What is very sad is that up till the dumping I had good credit, and I don't mean fair, I mean good. I would have qualified for any loan I tried for.
So if it seems that I cry and point fingers at R for ruining me, it is because none of those credit cards would be where they were if I had not been part of a couple. When you truly consider yourself a partner, then you do not ignore the needs of the other. That is what I believed, and why I never stopped giving. I believed that as a team we would be able to grow, get that house, pay those bills. I never for a moment believed that he would do what he did, which is essentially abandoning me, tossing me away to deal alone with bills that were incurred for Us.
As a betrayal goes, he stabbed me many times in his quest to start over and forget us.
I figure that God or Karma will deal with him. As for me? It's damn frustrating and scary to not be able to get my problems resolved. Maybe if I had not been pushed so hard to get out, and was able to find someone who would share the rent, I would have been better off. But as Mel has said, I was bleeding more everyday, the stress was quite bad on my side of things. How he felt I won't ever know, because he was a wall of ice that sat next to me while we were both on the computers, talking to others, then going upstairs to laugh loudly at some stupid TV show. All a front that was meant to deliver a message that I did not matter anymore. Really...as with my last blog entry, how immature to believe and act like he did. An adult deals differently with the results of his actions. He was like a little kid doing a " nanny-nanny-boo-boo" and blowing a raspberry in my direction. He may not want to believe he is responsible for destroying me, but it does not stop if from being true. The decision he made I had no part in.
Again I reiterate, do bad , get bad. It all comes back to you.
The damage he did shall be returned, this I do believe. Which is why, even as tempting as it was to get even, I never did. Besides, maturity is not missing in me, my problem is that I trusted the wrong person.. It Never occurred to me that someone who I loved sincerely could be so cruel.
My future is still whirling in that tornado...if the tornado touches the ground I won't make it. I really do need a miracle.
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