I'm wondering how we set our selves into the patterns we follow throughout our lives. Is it during early development? Or do we actually start setting them later in life. Who I was at 19, with my first love, was not who I was for my second love, nor even now, but still those two loves did not make it. Can I trust myself not to make another bad decision regarding love in my life? Is there such a man that will be my perfect match? I sure as hell hope so, but I feel so skiddish, and anxious even thinking about finding love again.
I know other people who run with the patterns of their lives, R being one. He has a cyclical pattern of depression each winter, that leads to boredom, which leads to looking for someone else to stimulate him, one way or another. He cannot see it, but I know I am not the only one to experience it with him. I tried to make those winter months easier the best I knew how, and it was simply not enough to make a difference. The boredom cycle could be seen in other times of the year, but it was much more noticeable each December through January. Does he ever ask himself why he lets this control him?
Will I treat that next man differently because of my past experiences? Very likely..I feel sorry for the dude, and I have not even met him yet. I believe it might be better to just NOT fall in love again. Save everyone the trouble and pain before it begins, might be a good idea.
So..what do I do instead? Random affairs? So not my style.( I would look for some way to make it feel more permanent..sigh) Stay alone? Really dreading that as well. Unfortunately, I believe I am the kind of person who needs love in my life to complete me..I need to give, receive and share...somebody please find the Lithium, argh!!
Finding something else that makes me happy feels insurmountable at this time, I am drawing a blank big time. All I know is that currently I feel I have no purpose. I thought I might find that with work, but they sort of shut that down with the 'no extra time' decree. School was shut down because I could not afford a pay cut in my finances right now. I cannot putz in a garden because I no longer have one. I cannot stay on the computer 24 hrs a day, it is already boring me . See what I mean?
Looking or waiting for a new partner feels unnatural, I am in the " I cannot find it" mode. I do not feel ready..not sure if I ever will. When I set out to find someone after my first and only marriage I was in a different frame of mind, I needed to let the wild out. Not feeling so wild right now, more like caged, in a little box with my name on it.
Maybe tomorrow will present something new that will intrigue me..I certainly hope so. Until then, you all get bombarded by my entries...Lol. It gives me a chance to sound things out, and not just have them pop randomly into my head and spin around till I get dizzy. I have small things to look forward to, but with the no extra work, nothing that can cost a lot of money, I am already worrying that I am going to get caught with not enough funds.
take care,
kel
Today's song dedication:
"I'll never fall in Love again." Dionne Warwick/Burt Bacharach / Hal David
"what do you get when you fall in love? You only get
lies and pain and sorrow, and so for at least, until tomorrow
I'll never fall in love again."
I know other people who run with the patterns of their lives, R being one. He has a cyclical pattern of depression each winter, that leads to boredom, which leads to looking for someone else to stimulate him, one way or another. He cannot see it, but I know I am not the only one to experience it with him. I tried to make those winter months easier the best I knew how, and it was simply not enough to make a difference. The boredom cycle could be seen in other times of the year, but it was much more noticeable each December through January. Does he ever ask himself why he lets this control him?
Will I treat that next man differently because of my past experiences? Very likely..I feel sorry for the dude, and I have not even met him yet. I believe it might be better to just NOT fall in love again. Save everyone the trouble and pain before it begins, might be a good idea.
So..what do I do instead? Random affairs? So not my style.( I would look for some way to make it feel more permanent..sigh) Stay alone? Really dreading that as well. Unfortunately, I believe I am the kind of person who needs love in my life to complete me..I need to give, receive and share...somebody please find the Lithium, argh!!
Finding something else that makes me happy feels insurmountable at this time, I am drawing a blank big time. All I know is that currently I feel I have no purpose. I thought I might find that with work, but they sort of shut that down with the 'no extra time' decree. School was shut down because I could not afford a pay cut in my finances right now. I cannot putz in a garden because I no longer have one. I cannot stay on the computer 24 hrs a day, it is already boring me . See what I mean?
Looking or waiting for a new partner feels unnatural, I am in the " I cannot find it" mode. I do not feel ready..not sure if I ever will. When I set out to find someone after my first and only marriage I was in a different frame of mind, I needed to let the wild out. Not feeling so wild right now, more like caged, in a little box with my name on it.
Maybe tomorrow will present something new that will intrigue me..I certainly hope so. Until then, you all get bombarded by my entries...Lol. It gives me a chance to sound things out, and not just have them pop randomly into my head and spin around till I get dizzy. I have small things to look forward to, but with the no extra work, nothing that can cost a lot of money, I am already worrying that I am going to get caught with not enough funds.
take care,
kel
Today's song dedication:
"I'll never fall in Love again." Dionne Warwick/Burt Bacharach / Hal David
"what do you get when you fall in love? You only get
lies and pain and sorrow, and so for at least, until tomorrow
I'll never fall in love again."
Posts
