Identity Crisis

Who am I? really..
I used to know.
I was someone's wife..then not.
I was the love of someone's life..now I am not.
I was a wicked good medical clerk..with lots of friends,
now I am not.
I was a caring and empathetic claims handler..now I am not.
I had promise and a future in front of me,
now I don't.
I had a home that felt like home,
now I don't.
There are so many parts of me that are gone,
I don't know who I am anymore.
I was never able to be a mother,
though Lord knows I tried and cried for 20 years.
I feel like I've gone no where in all the years
I have traveled through life.
As though now I am just treading water
waiting for my time to be over.
I see no promise at all in my future.
Just days that blend into another.
Wishing that things would have turned out
differently
and always regretting that they did not.
I am lost..and I cannot find me,
And afraid what I will see when and if I do...
A lonely lady just killing time.
with the days of promise behind her.


Be quiet. I am permitted a pity party if I throw one for myself.
It does not reflect on anyone but me.
I am still far from healed, and I am not sure I ever will be.
it all seems so very uncool, unfair, and undeserving.
Especially since I HAVE lived my life with love in my heart.
And I still feel like I was put out with the trash, not worthy
for any further needs or use. So easily replaced,
it makes me wonder if I was ever really there.