Anger and all the trimmings..has followed me throughout the last few days..and is still my shadow. I truly do not care to feel this way, this steady burning fire in my mind and body. I have never been a violent person. I don't throw or hit things when I lose my temper, because normally I do not lose it. I could easily lose it right now. The resentment is reaching a high peak, and the anger and disgust at him is making it hard for me to stay my tongue from spouting " I hate you" every time I am near him. In all my 51 years I have never hated anyone, if I had I would recognize this feeling, and it feels alien and strange to have anger be my constant companion. Depression and tears were bad enough, this simply stinks.
I keep replaying the last 3 months in my mind...the sweet birthday engagement that meant everything to me..his growing distance and resentful paranoia when I asked any questions; suspicion that once again he was looking for another person. ( barely one month after proposing to me). The discovery of frequent phone conversations that started within a month of the proposal. The birthday dinner I made believing he was with an old friend, and not out on a date. The continued long phone calls from him to her. The day he went for a 7 hour walk in the park. (he never walks anywhere-bad knees..then he said bowling..and I thought bad knees again) And finally the " I found someone new" speech at the local Walmart. Gee..was that a fun ride or what?! And yes I do feel like I was taken, or rather my life was stolen from me. He, I am sure started it online, cyber..whatever..then they both collaborated and plotted through the calls they both made over two months. Together they destroyed my life. Do I wish bad things for them? All the damn time.
( cybering..is stupid..takers and users..on both sides)
It feels like death, my death that is, to know that someone you loved, forgave, and laughed with, planned a future with ,was making plans to dispose of you in the coldest possible way. That not even one shred of remorse or "I'm sorries" have ever passed his lips. That he believes he is somehow innocent just because he wanted someone else? No and never. I don't think he is normal, and that is a crappy discovery after 9 years. I don't think he has a frigging conscience except when he drinks. Then it all pours out..and the excuses start in a long litany of "my life stinks" and "I had it so bad." So that is the excuse he uses to justify treating someone who loved him like a piece of shit? My bad life..now I have to hurt you and do what I want. Don't want you anymore..go away now. Spoken and acted like a child. The sheer selfishness, the unbelievable ego, and the rampant immaturity of his constantly falling in love with someone..signals..Broken. And not from his past. The path he chooses to live he has made as an adult, sometime after he turned 30. The mistakes we make as kids, the parents we had, the tough times..they either make you stronger, or make you weak..and he found weak and stayed there.
Sorry, you caught this diatribe of anger, but it is consuming me daily now. I live in hope that it will fade as we separate to go our own ways. The apartment search, is still a search..nothing yet found, and that is frustrating as hell. Leaving a home that I thought to share with someone forever...well..that still hurts No, so Not wanting to go back and replay another episode of " Let's dump Kelly", believe me. (2 times is one time more than I can stand in one life time) But the death of a dream is still a death. And it feels like it is the hardest thing about this. To have my reality changed for someone's dick and self gratification, it was and is an attack, and for such a shallow reason. His supposed depth and insight into the world is a sham, a lie. No one who had those things would act like he does. He is more in the dark about life than any other person I have ever known, young or old. It is a great deal of posturing that he gives to a ready audience. See me? I is sooo smart, I can talk words. Yes indeed.
Oh, and let's not forget..the rest of the world is not as smart as he is.
I really do have little doubt that this infatuation will pan out to be anything lasting. She will eventually wise up, or she is as dumb as a door knob. Or maybe like me, she will be "Miss Continually Forgiving" , and for her sake, I hope not. All I know is that the person who swore everlasting love to me was lying from the very beginning. He never had any intention of sticking around to share a future with me. So..anger that my life for almost 10 years was a lie being slickly given to me? Hell yes, I am pissed off about being pissed on.
Song dedication tonight...the Cell Block Tango..He had it coming.. I can only wish. I doubt I could dance like that..or sing for that matter...lmao
Goodnight.
I keep replaying the last 3 months in my mind...the sweet birthday engagement that meant everything to me..his growing distance and resentful paranoia when I asked any questions; suspicion that once again he was looking for another person. ( barely one month after proposing to me). The discovery of frequent phone conversations that started within a month of the proposal. The birthday dinner I made believing he was with an old friend, and not out on a date. The continued long phone calls from him to her. The day he went for a 7 hour walk in the park. (he never walks anywhere-bad knees..then he said bowling..and I thought bad knees again) And finally the " I found someone new" speech at the local Walmart. Gee..was that a fun ride or what?! And yes I do feel like I was taken, or rather my life was stolen from me. He, I am sure started it online, cyber..whatever..then they both collaborated and plotted through the calls they both made over two months. Together they destroyed my life. Do I wish bad things for them? All the damn time.
( cybering..is stupid..takers and users..on both sides)
It feels like death, my death that is, to know that someone you loved, forgave, and laughed with, planned a future with ,was making plans to dispose of you in the coldest possible way. That not even one shred of remorse or "I'm sorries" have ever passed his lips. That he believes he is somehow innocent just because he wanted someone else? No and never. I don't think he is normal, and that is a crappy discovery after 9 years. I don't think he has a frigging conscience except when he drinks. Then it all pours out..and the excuses start in a long litany of "my life stinks" and "I had it so bad." So that is the excuse he uses to justify treating someone who loved him like a piece of shit? My bad life..now I have to hurt you and do what I want. Don't want you anymore..go away now. Spoken and acted like a child. The sheer selfishness, the unbelievable ego, and the rampant immaturity of his constantly falling in love with someone..signals..Broken. And not from his past. The path he chooses to live he has made as an adult, sometime after he turned 30. The mistakes we make as kids, the parents we had, the tough times..they either make you stronger, or make you weak..and he found weak and stayed there.
Sorry, you caught this diatribe of anger, but it is consuming me daily now. I live in hope that it will fade as we separate to go our own ways. The apartment search, is still a search..nothing yet found, and that is frustrating as hell. Leaving a home that I thought to share with someone forever...well..that still hurts No, so Not wanting to go back and replay another episode of " Let's dump Kelly", believe me. (2 times is one time more than I can stand in one life time) But the death of a dream is still a death. And it feels like it is the hardest thing about this. To have my reality changed for someone's dick and self gratification, it was and is an attack, and for such a shallow reason. His supposed depth and insight into the world is a sham, a lie. No one who had those things would act like he does. He is more in the dark about life than any other person I have ever known, young or old. It is a great deal of posturing that he gives to a ready audience. See me? I is sooo smart, I can talk words. Yes indeed.
Oh, and let's not forget..the rest of the world is not as smart as he is.
I really do have little doubt that this infatuation will pan out to be anything lasting. She will eventually wise up, or she is as dumb as a door knob. Or maybe like me, she will be "Miss Continually Forgiving" , and for her sake, I hope not. All I know is that the person who swore everlasting love to me was lying from the very beginning. He never had any intention of sticking around to share a future with me. So..anger that my life for almost 10 years was a lie being slickly given to me? Hell yes, I am pissed off about being pissed on.
Song dedication tonight...the Cell Block Tango..He had it coming.. I can only wish. I doubt I could dance like that..or sing for that matter...lmao
Goodnight.
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