today's revelations..or..whatever

Not at all impressed or feel benefited by the first visit to therapist. I have 2 more free sessions, and not sure if I want to waste them with someone I feel no connection to. He did not seem to understand the financial side of things, and how it affected my current circumstance. I guess if you have money, it is hard to understand how not having any really makes it hard to make certain decisions happen. I know I would be better off not spending time with ron. Unfortunately the lease, and the lack of cash flow make taking off and running an option that is not going to happen. Neither one of us has that option. And credit cannot be used if I am planning bankruptcy, that would be fraud, and I won't go there.

What really bothers me the most right now:
How does someone 'turn off' the way that R has? How can you erase 9 years of emotions, good and bad times, and become a block of ice? I would appreciate anger..would accept sadness...or at least some empathy.
I think it's that no one has ever turned the tables on him. He has not experienced betrayal at it's finest. He has never have to wonder why the other person in his life prefers the company of someone other than himself. He cannot relate to the hurt and pain because he has never experienced it. He has chipped away at a heart that trusted him, loved him and wanted nothing more than to spend her days at his side. I did not care if we lived high on the hog flush with cash, as long as I was by his side through good times and bad. That trust was slowly crushed by the obvious need he has to be some sort of Don Juan. It evolved into paranoia that "this vision of togetherness" was going to be taken away. He says that it is his fault in some respects..but there was so much other bullshit passing his lips that it all blended together into a giant mass of "What the hell?!"

He says that fear is not a good base for a relationship. Well..crap. Who created that fear? Who made an attempt to find someone else to toy with almost every year we were together? Why could he not stop? When I say toy, I mean just that. It is all a game to him, manipulation of the females he connects with through his life. I believed with my whole heart that the love we found, the connection we found was real. I really don't know if he ever really felt that, or I just filled a gap.

Yes, we BOTH have serious issues. But mine would never have developed but for him. His was there, is still there, and I doubt he will ever look into his own self to ask why or try to change. Now he hides behind an anti-depressant that allows him to turn off his emotions, and not deal with pain, grief, anger..etc. It's a mask that will crack someday. I know personally how pills can change how you deal with everyday life, being prescribed Prozac, that wonder drug, years ago. I lost my 'umph', my fight back, and simply was depressed but it made me not care that I was. Not all people are meant to use these drugs, they are over prescribed in this country. It's not possible for 90% of the population to be bipolar or manic depressives. It's just easier to hand someone a pill then to help them sort out their problems. I took myself off it, got my fight back, and ended a relationship of 19 years that was the real reason I was unhappy. Yes, I was in therapy at that time, and a good one too. He asked the right questions, made me feel comfortable, and helped me decide what I should do to be happy again.
I've suggested these things to R, he sees no need. He is quite content to go on being a dick and not dealing with anything of importance. Everything is brushed aside, even legal issues. He won't deal with them until he absolutely has to. Then..they bite him in the ass..life's unpleasantness..better left alone till it's too late to do anything about it. I believe that includes himself as well.

I will likely fill up this blog with multiple entries today...I have alone time, not sitting here welling up with tears beside a man who does not give a shit. I still believe in karma..what goes around comes around. You cannot treat people as he has without consequences. Life's a bitch...later all.