If must really bother you to read the truth about yourself. And I won't be dictated to by you R, your advice as of late, has been false to me. The only reason you want an ending is because until I stop, you fear that you might be further exposed as the big phony that you are. It makes you mad that I am not weeping any longer after you, and am instead angry, justifiably so. And know what? Good. Everything you did from December on was wrong. Every lie, every time you cheated while living still with me, all the hiding and seeking, meeting, and talking when I was unaware, were nails that locked you in as a bad man. You drove them in yourself.
You pretend quite well that you are enlightened, then sit in the dark later and say how the world is screwed and you know it will end badly, but you are prepared since you believe the worst about the rest of us, and that you are somehow different. I've been there and heard it more times than I can count. And you cannot blame me for that, since misguided or not, I prefer to believe the best of people until they show me otherwise...like you. You told me I was a fool for having faith in the human race. When it comes to one particular human, I guess I was fooled.
Just because you can talk a big talk, does not mean when you walk you are taking the path of light. Just because I agonize over my gullibility when it came to you, does not mean I don't have light in my heart. Hey, you were the one that said I had one of the purest hearts you knew, more than one time. Then you set out to destroy it in every way possible, showing me my faith in you was badly misplaced. So if I seem darker right now, and I blog on about hurt, lies and deception, I think I have fair cause. I am working my way back to me. I am purging the "bile" as you call it, to heal. I have faith that one day I will reach that goal, without you telling me to do it.
You say you were searching for something that would bring you "positive. Why? Because YOU gave up on us. You made it a negative situation by your own behavior, for years. How Could I Not react in any other way? Was I supposed to be stupid for you? Ignore and live blissfully ignorant of your activities with other women? How does that make me a bad person? You got back what you gave. You took away the positive and expected me to stay upbeat while you trampled my heart.
Doing wrong to get something you want is never right, and getting it that way is a guaranteed fail. You still have not learned that, after 43 years. You created the mess that WE lived, and continue to do so now with bad decisions.
Believe what you want, I Am getting a long with my life, one step at a time. Having your heart in a prison of your own making, then trying to restart your life, is like the long term prisoners from "Shawshank Redemption." It takes time, or you fail because you have been conditioned by your prison life. Obviously I am still trying, I have not kicked over the chair, and don't plan to. I am taking One step at a time back to the "real" Light, not your version.
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