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| Love and Commitment |
I've made it a point through writing this blog, to try and delve deeper into the reasons why I do things, feel and act like I do. After all, what is the purpose of therapy if you are not looking inward? I still catch myself slipping into old mindsets that I am trying to break out of. I have to ask myself and my readers, is it really possible to break a mold set for 50 years? We all know that some habits are harder to break then others, but changing who we are inside is a great deal harder to do.
Especially being a woman and the issue being love. What makes us tick? What makes a certain person worth self humiliation , endless apologies, and the feeling that you just cannot do anything right? The you inside is asking why 'we' were wrong? It's almost as if you have to explain to yourself why you should not be doing something. As I have said, self analysis is hard, and half of the word is anal..lol...which to me means 'difficult and nit-picky."
For the last couple of months, half due to not sleeping well, ( my mind races at bedtime and won't let go of things) and half due to depression(gee-I wonder why) , I have been on Elavil. A week ago I decided to self diagnose and take myself off of it, seeing how I was feeling so much better about where I was and was sleeping better. Well, seems I made a bad decision, again. (damnit!) No, I was not ready, yes within a few days I was slipping back into the person who had been sabotaged by love, and really wanted someone to fill the void. That has been very hard for me, that damned void. It had been filled and happy for 9 years, and I cannot stop feeling like something important is missing.
It is not as though I do not have friends, as I have said before they are great. But my self analysis has lead me to know that I need a man in my life, someone who is mine, who I belong with and to, it completes me. Maybe that is true for a lot of people, having to have a partner to share your life with. There is a large amount of pure loneliness in my life since January 14th. A hole that leaves me feeling incomplete. I tried to fill that with the same person who pushed me away. "What a idiot you are!" I said to myself.
There should be somewhere a talk show that women watch, and can see other women who won't let go, no matter how they are treated. I sure that there has been. We let ourselves be hurt over and over because we don't want to be alone. It seems like men believe that they have not done anything wrong when they cheat and destroy a love. They somehow find self justification, and we women find ourselves hanging on for dear life ---Why?? How can they legitimately feel they can be excused for doing something like that, and why do we women still want to keep someone in our lives who is not worth keeping?
I believe it is because we did love them, and when they go, there is a blank space left in our lives. So we hold onto something that should repel us. We live in fear that no one will be coming to fill that void that showed up when they dumped us. We doubt ourselves and our being worthy of being lovable to someone else. And that is why it is so easy for men to cheat. They can always find a woman who needs that void filled with the "perfection" that they believe they are.. And the cycle continues, as their boredom and need to conquer and destroy moves to the next woman, and the next.
Does any of this mean I have given up on finding someone who might be right for me? Nope.
It may not be easy, but somewhere out there is a ' Real' man. One that knows that cheating is wrong and does not do it., one who once they fall in love devote themselves to the relationship. Those men who think that there is nothing wrong with cheating ? I don't care if they feel unfulfilled or not. My advise to them is: " There is Nothing like Growing Up...and not blaming someone else for your failures.". Be a real man, and learn what the words Love and Commitment really means. It means it is NOT all about YOU, there is someone else who has a share in the relationship.
Hopefully my next entry will be more light-hearted, I know that is what I would like to be able to write. However, the wounds I carry from being dumped by someone that I had devoted my love and life to are still not closed. Healing takes time, so there will likely be more of the same introspective entries, as they help me to get it out, and to be able to move on.
Hugs and goodnight..
K
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