I never knew the load I carried..
never really thought of how it changed me.
From the first 3 months on (the first time he looked for someone else)
I constantly worried that
I was not good enough,
something lacking,
what could it be?
What did I have to do to hold him?
It had a tremendous effect on
how I perceived myself,
and how others perceived me.
A monkey on my back,
it shaded everything I was,
smothering the me underneath.
Ever worried, eating away at my
ego..
stopping the 'Me' I was before him
from emerging.
Today..for the first time in over 9 years..
I felt light
in my spirit..why was I feeling so good?
My friendly smile popped out
so many times it bewildered me.
(Sometimes I caught people looking
as if I had changed over night..who was she?)
I had people doing silly things..just to see me smile,
and hear me laugh.
I joked and laughed through a busy day..
it certainly made work a great deal
more fun..because I was having fun.
The monkey which started small, had grown
enormous, especially after
the dumping of me in January.
Suddenly that weight was gone...
who was this person?
Ah! It was me.
The person I was before He
added the monkey by cheating.
It had eaten away at my self confidence,
killed a thousand smiles that were never born,
and doused the fire of my soul,
that spark that was the real me.
I know that He would never blame himself,
maybe he did not even know
how much damage he caused
by the dark looks, the impatient glances..
chip..chip..chip..went the chisel.
Most of the time I was just a piece of the furniture,
and he made no effort to help, assuming
that this was me..not knowing that the real Me
was being worn away by his actions, or
his demeanor, which was most of the time
more moody than a teenage girl.
So today, light in spirit,
laughing..I realized that being the real me
was pretty damn cool..
Laughing, light flirtation, people
seemed drawn to me..and it felt wonderful.
Everyone seemed happier, because I
shared my smile.
I am so thankful God, that I can again be myself.
Amen.
PS:
To the one who took over, thinking you have won
a prize..think again. You too will find eventually
that he finds you lacking in something...
you too will feel the impatient looks,
the snippy answers..until you feel yourself
slipping away. It is just Him.
Whatever is wrong will not be his fault and he will quote you
philosophy, telling you that you have to be happy
to be happy..or some other bullshit.
And the litany of excuses he will in the end
share with you..are all false, he will so graciously blame
himself..jumping from one lie to another...
For the real answer will be he has just
grown bored and needs to move on.
The first months will be fun..and slowly
that will fade..you will worry that you
have done something wrong, that you
are missing something he needs..
you will wonder if there is someone else..how ironic...
But I guess you have to find that out on your own.
Have fun with that.
never really thought of how it changed me.
From the first 3 months on (the first time he looked for someone else)
I constantly worried that
I was not good enough,
something lacking,
what could it be?
What did I have to do to hold him?
It had a tremendous effect on
how I perceived myself,
and how others perceived me.
A monkey on my back,
it shaded everything I was,
smothering the me underneath.
Ever worried, eating away at my
ego..
stopping the 'Me' I was before him
from emerging.
Today..for the first time in over 9 years..
I felt light
in my spirit..why was I feeling so good?
My friendly smile popped out
so many times it bewildered me.
(Sometimes I caught people looking
as if I had changed over night..who was she?)
I had people doing silly things..just to see me smile,
and hear me laugh.
I joked and laughed through a busy day..
it certainly made work a great deal
more fun..because I was having fun.
The monkey which started small, had grown
enormous, especially after
the dumping of me in January.
Suddenly that weight was gone...
who was this person?
Ah! It was me.
The person I was before He
added the monkey by cheating.
It had eaten away at my self confidence,
killed a thousand smiles that were never born,
and doused the fire of my soul,
that spark that was the real me.
I know that He would never blame himself,
maybe he did not even know
how much damage he caused
by the dark looks, the impatient glances..
chip..chip..chip..went the chisel.
Most of the time I was just a piece of the furniture,
and he made no effort to help, assuming
that this was me..not knowing that the real Me
was being worn away by his actions, or
his demeanor, which was most of the time
more moody than a teenage girl.
So today, light in spirit,
laughing..I realized that being the real me
was pretty damn cool..
Laughing, light flirtation, people
seemed drawn to me..and it felt wonderful.
Everyone seemed happier, because I
shared my smile.
I am so thankful God, that I can again be myself.
Amen.
PS:
To the one who took over, thinking you have won
a prize..think again. You too will find eventually
that he finds you lacking in something...
you too will feel the impatient looks,
the snippy answers..until you feel yourself
slipping away. It is just Him.
Whatever is wrong will not be his fault and he will quote you
philosophy, telling you that you have to be happy
to be happy..or some other bullshit.
And the litany of excuses he will in the end
share with you..are all false, he will so graciously blame
himself..jumping from one lie to another...
For the real answer will be he has just
grown bored and needs to move on.
The first months will be fun..and slowly
that will fade..you will worry that you
have done something wrong, that you
are missing something he needs..
you will wonder if there is someone else..how ironic...
But I guess you have to find that out on your own.
Have fun with that.
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