Something different to say..for a change

I think that this blog entry might surprise you a little bit,  and I know one person, my dear friend M ,who will likely celebrate after reading. I took an extra day this week for myself, partly for a dentist appointment, and partly because I needed a good mental health day for myself. It felt like I was carrying my baggage to work, I was getting tired of having my personal life coloring every aspect of my days. Starting a day fine, then switching towards anger or depression. At sometime during my shift..I was painting moods with my thoughts about problems which I was still not capable of working through.  During a drive home from work one day..I started talking aloud to myself..( what's this?? she has finally cracked..we saw it coming!) I had a good talk to myself about several things that I needed to realize and accept, so that healing could really work.

One..and the most important one..is that I believe myself to be a 'good' person. I prefer to see the good in people, that is something that I have inside me..a part of my Mother coming through,. her gift to me. I will say however, that I trust my instincts,.If for some reason I get a vibe about someone when first meeting them, it generally turns out to be true. A good example is one from my past, Tony, a friend to my ex, and his room mate's Rita's on and off boyfriend. I took an immediate dislike to him, not something I normally do..and later found out that he beat her.  I don't second guess my intuition. If I meet someone who sends no negative or positive vibes I don't pass judgment, it's up to them to show me who they are.

Two: My heart also causes a great deal of my troubles. The person I am now, and the person I was in my past, was strong in her beliefs, and liked herself for holding true to her own values. But..love..can sway me away from the reasons I liked me. I overlook flaws and eventually bigger issues that would have made the 'like me' Kelly have a hissy fit. Fall in love and lose myself..that seems to be my pattern. It actually kept me continually forgiving the wrongs being done that personally affected me. I'm not sure if everyone who falls in love does this, but I do know that I do. Why? To keep love of course.  I brainwashed myself into believing that it would keep me happy no matter what was being done.

So, weirdly, this break up, after the crying was over, was a good thing. For far too long I lived in the 'forgive world.'  Overlooking things and letting them go, that I never would have before love arrived to take over. Good times were had..bad times too, but the bad would be blurred away, filed under forget this.

Now..I am starting a journey to find me again. I'm fun to be with, I enjoy talking to my friends, I like working hard...I love to create and decorate..I love my pets, I love reading, gardening, movies, music....all part of me. I am looking at people differently too. Stopped living in the Kelly world, and rejoined the rest of the planet.  I don't have blinders on, I am going to have issues regarding trust for the rest of my life. But I will never let myself fall in love again and forget who I am. Does this person deserve me? That will by the first question I ask myself. Not if I am good enough for them..a change for me. Maybe I am the one who needs to be a bit more selfish and not so giving for a change. After all, I know in my heart that I am a good person..will they appreciate that fact? If not..no compromise.

Lol..wondering if I should change this entry's title to " Good person..likes herself..and if you don't it's your problem". So..thank you M, for the gently pushing in the right direction. Helping me find the old me, that was a powerful gift. Helping take my blinders off..and see the truth. that was always here if I opened my eyes..you nudged that way too. So now..when comments meant to hurt come my way, I smile inside and realize that he does not have that power over me anymore. I can say " you don't have to give me reminders of your date days..I really don't care" - feel it and mean it. I can see him, and see through the b.s. Why say something like that to someone else? It has already been spelled out and reminded enough, and I am not dimwitted in the least. So, what is his reason? 

To hurt can be one answer, which I don't deserve, and have not done anything to have earned it. This entire drama from start to the eventual finish was planned out and orchestrated by him. Whatever this need is in him to make sure I keep crying is silly and not emotionally healthy on his part. I am no longer fighting to keep him, that battle is long over.

A second reason is he is that he is attempting to ensure I will never forgive him to prevent my running after him begging to get back together. Umm..that is so not going to happen, no worries Dude. You did a good job of showing me who you really are.

I am not trying to say callous words, or anything meant to hurt. But now that I can see him clearly, things that I used to appreciate, I don't any longer. It does not stop me from sometimes enjoying his company when he feels like sharing real time as a friend. (Not just static words like hi, goodbye, and which cat did what. I do the same as well, I think it is to keep all possible emotions from popping up and damaging the status quo.) But the reasons for loving him are gone now. I can see how he sees me and sees life, sees himself. There is nothing there I would fall in love with again, the vibes have changed to negative..and I am not longer lying to myself.

So..my friends and family can breathe a little easier, that the light at the end of the tunnel is no longer a train. I do think I can start again.  I am after all..a good person..and there are a lot of other good people out there too.  If I sometimes need a nudge to help me out of a funk..then I know my friends and family can help. My battles now are just about money, a place to live..and some good luck which would be very nice. This does not mean I will not come back here to spout off..just a little healthier emotionally then before.

 Love you All.

 ka

ps: so please..stop thinking I will stop your "NEW" life from happening. I have my own life to catch up with. You have obtained what you set out for..for goodness sake, relax and stop acting like I am a threat. Whatever happens, where ever this takes you, it's your journey, not mine. You will be left to it as soon as a new home for me can be found.