Turmoil...personal

In so many ways now, I look back at my life, and see failure. I failed to get a good education when I had the chance. I failed at finding a career that would satisfy some need to excel. ( I really never felt a calling) I failed at a 19 year marriage that could have lasted a life time if I could have found happiness there. And now, I am failing again, with someone that I felt more connected to then anyone else in my entire life, what I believed was my soul-mate, and destined to be forever. The picture of the two old farts still is with me. To quote you:
" I have found the love of my life, my soul mate, and life is very good."

To God:

If I wanted something more, surely I would have known this by now. I have no dreams left that I want to live. I feel nothing but that black hole that was my oppressor for 19 years lurking back, sitting behind my chair, just waiting.

Do I understand that he does not want me anymore? Yes. Does it make my wanting go away? No. He is not perfect, as an adult I know this. I have been hurt more than a few times in our years together. But..it has never made me want to run to something else, never. I tried to fight to keep it, did wrong things to keep it.. All it has done is show me that I have failed again in this life. I fell in love with someone who could not love me back without needing something more. And the only thing I can think of..is that I am old. Right now I feel ancient. Honestly, I never really felt like I was old before this. (I am trying so hard to find his reason.) Despite the denial that age is relative, I can look in the mirror and see daily that I am not even 40 anymore. Time to shelve the old model for fresher meat. And the lies of not being compatible..bullshit...we would have known a hell of a long time ago if that was true. The real truth is your penis tells you what to do and you do it. It rules you, even overriding soul mates and love of your life.

Friends and family offer advice, "time heals all wounds", "it will all work out", even he encourages me to do something, anything that will be something for me to look forward to. ( so I would not be latched onto him) I fear I am broken this time. Even the counselor I sought help from said " let him go if he does not want to stay.You will be better off." How I really hated that man for saying that, he does not know me...could not know me in 10 minutes time. Pretentious Prick.

My head has said be his friend, and let him go if this is what will be, it will be. But my heart is really screwed the hell up right now. It won't let go, so knowing he is seeing someone else continues to feel like a knife stabbed deep, and probably fatally, unable to remove without killing the flesh it is lodged in.

Yesterday I said I would try. I will..because I really need his friendship, it was and still is the only thing I find joy in. I just don't sense right now that this journey will have a happy ending for me. I really do not see a future alone, and starting over as being anything but a prison term I must spend before meeting God. I pray that I can find something worth sticking around for, and I hope that HE can hear me. Because I really need His help this time. For all the stupid mistakes I have made, the bad decisions I asked forgiveness for, the " could you help me Lord" prayers I have sent through out my life...I ask this time..Please hear me.

I am sincerely tired of being in pain, and not being able to do anything to stop it. Getting by one day, failing the next. All I am praying for is a way to find the strength to get through this.

Some anonymous person has taken my place. I wish she would just take my life, she already has.

I'm sorry for being so dark..I'm fresh out of Light.