Starting Anew..a beginning

I'm not quite ready to share why I am starting this journey..some things are too painful to pass around just yet. I will say though that my life has taken a nasty turn towards "God Awful" recently. It's a daily struggle to cope with the pain that fills my soul, and I sometimes feel I am Oscar worthy for getting through a day without exposing that to the world.

In moments of quiet today I remembered a time in my life when words would pour from my pen onto a page, long before the internet and blogging were even a dream. I'd walk across a quiet street and settle down on a favorite tree that had fallen to rest in a small glen. It's bark was smooth, there were no sounds of cars or industry, just birds, bugs and sometimes the voices of other children. Yes I was a child then, barely 15, and as most girls do at that age, I was on an emotional roller coaster that drove my Mother crazy. A favorite Aunt provided me with a book of blank pages, and budding poet wanna-be that I was at that time I started to fill them up. ( Oh yes, in later years I did go back and read those pages, and had a good laugh at myself, Miss" All-Angsty", Miss "the world hates me". )

It was not easy being 15, but my view now is a little broader and I realize that though I thought myself adrift and alone at that time, if I had asked any of the girls my age how they felt, they would have likely said that they felt the same. Most people when they go through something difficult can only see the immediate..themselves. It does not cross our minds that though we are an island, we are also part of a huge chain of islands all floating and muttering to themselves how alone they are and that no one could ever understand their problems. I was wrong, but then I was 15, my view of life was still in the baby step beginning, and I was quite sure that no one could feel the same pain as I did. No one could feel as alone as I did. Yes indeed, the world did hate me.

36 years have passed since I last sat on that log. I have had one failed marriage that ended mostly because of me, and slightly because the person I shared 19 years with forgot I was a person too. I have weathered one new beginning because of my choices then, and now I am shoring up for a new beginning not of my choice. I have laughed, loved and learned my way through this life of mine, and spent plenty of time crying as well. Unfortunately there is always a price for the laughter, that damn rain has to fall. Do I want to start over again at my age? Not really, but as I said, the choice is not mine to make this time. Does it hurt? Hell yes. Am I afraid? Definitely, times are hard right now, for everyone, not just myself. Can I do anything about it at this point? No. So now I walk the plank, unsure if the sharks are hungry for feisty mature ladies, or if I will even encounter a shark at all. All I know is that I have to swim..or sink to the bottom.

This is all I will say to start this blog. I hope to, and plan on adding to my journey posted here. Sometimes short novels like tonight, sometimes just thoughts spread on the page. Take care.