I was not really sad, or angry, I just get into a sort of attack mode when I get bombarded at work, it's my brand of self defense.
Quite often I am interrupted during crucial moments when my attention to the details relayed is important, so I growl and do what I can to help the person interrupting and still hear what is vital I listen to. I don't think most of those folks really know what it is like to sit in that seat. They have a pace, one speed, slow and easy. When you are in Control, that is not an option, too many things happen at one time, and multi-tasking gets choppy as hell when you cannot hear what is going on.
I have been in one way or another throughout my life, in charge of logs that are legal representations of an event. For the hospital it was a patient chart, for Geico it was a log that had to be accurate and fast, and for the casino it's a written timeline of events that occur during my shift. Yes, quite a bit of those logs could be printed out and used as a legal defense in whatever court called for them. So accuracy over smiling attentiveness? I'll go with accuracy, it's my job and I want it to be done right. The difference in the casino over the other jobs is that sometimes many things are happening at the same time, it is not just one phone call or one chart..it is 2-3 radios, a phone and window traffic. All of those things are supposed to get my undivided attention. I am not just standing on a post and wishing people a nice day. I wish my co-workers could understand that, I really do. I don't like coming off as a B.
On another note:
I have pondered a bit during the last week about my future. I have no grand scheme that I will be wealthy and retired, I know that is just a dream. ( as nice one, but still a dream) I have no plans on finding another man to share my life with either.
I think the last months have shown me the power of friendship, and it is much safer and less likely to land me in heart ache again. I think I have had my shot(s) at that kind of life, and it just did not happen for me. Bad choices or not, I don't want to get back onto that ride again. I hope to someday have a roommate, because who wants to be alone all the time, I sure don't. I'd like to share my life with a friend who can relate, and give and take support as we both need it. This person knows who I am talking about, and given time I think it will happen, we will be good for each other.
Happiness..that is what I am talking about, and it makes a great deal more sense than just sharing costs of living. It's good for the soul. Going through anymore pain with a partner who's love may disappear one day? As my current boss would say 'been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and burned it.' A friend would not ever do that, a lover would. Because they are not thinking about smiles, or sharing, everything boils down to "what pleasure is there for me?" or "I want more/different/excitement..etc." No one can meet those demands and remain happy ..UNLESS the love is the real deal. Some people are very lucky to find their soul-mate and share a life with them, just not me.
So for the end part of my life I return to the beginning, when my friends were what made my life great. They still do, thank goodness that little blessing has not changed. The need to have a 'love' life has passed. The need to have a good life is here to stay.
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