Both Gilly and I are feeling loss tonight. After being with us a week Raz has gone back to Ford Circle. Gilly has been under the covers all day, coming out only to hang his head over the edge of the bed, dejected. Me? I cried all the way there and back. I keep telling him how sorry I am, but there is nothing I can do to make it better for him, and very little I can do for myself, other than to love Gilly and commiserate. He and Raz were so good for each other, playing after the initial break in period was over. Never saw Gilly hiding under the covers this past week.
(skip the next part if you want..I am sadly venting again)
I have lost so much since Ron decided he had other plans for his life than to be with me. There are days when I feel stronger and in a better place, and days like today that I mourn what I have lost. A life, a home, and my cat-kids. I have stopped mourning for him. He has shown me many times how little I mattered to him, in the coldest possible way. My cat-kids? They just know I left them, I feel the loss everyday.
Why? Why can he do wrong, and I am the one who loses everything? He takes, discards, chooses to destroy me, then does not suffer. Still not understanding how someone can profess everlasting love and do what he did. Love must mean nothing to him. Just a tool to get what he wants and thinks he needs, to be used and then thrown away when he changes his mind like others change their clothes or cars. He deserves to be filled with regret, remorse, and shame for what he did to me. Again, another dream.
(ok-finished--for now)
No words of upbeat hopeful wisdom tonight. Just quiet. Cooked dinner again, stretching it out for the week. The usual chores completed. Killing time till work tomorrow. Working O.T. every week that I can. Have to, bills are higher than what I take home.
Tomorrow is another day.
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