The ocean floor is cold and dark, strong currents push through the depths;
the sunny surface is far away, too far to reach out and touch.
Time has buried some treasures there, disguised in coral and barnacles,
now a mysterious mound of what-nots, that may or may not be found.
The citizens of the deepest blue swim blindly admists the blackness,
their lives spent in constant cold, what they were born to be, odd and
frightenly beautiful;
all held tight to life in the coldest of the sea, the surface never to be encountered.
* * * * *
I started this blog as a journey and had hoped that my experiences might be of benefit to other women who also found themselves cheated or abandoned by a long time partner. It has been a battle for me personally, to try to find the positive in such a negative part of my life. For a short while it seemed like with some grit and determination I might actually get by and move forward with my new life. It always disturbed me that if I shared too much of the negative, despite it being a venting place for myself, that I would send the wrong message to other readers.
Day to day, my feelings towards my ex-lover of 9 years continue to bounce back and forth. If you ask him I am sure he would claim I was unstable, but I don't think that would be correct. My feelings do go back and forth regarding him due to my own emotions, and how my life here alone came to be. I don't think it is unhealthy, especially in my circumstance. Anger, feelings of loss, bitterness, and yet sometimes longing that we had not turned out how we did. Which is why at several points I plead for continued friendship, regardless to the betrayal. After seeing him once, I knew I was kidding myself, and apologized to him. I could not replace my loss with the person who dismissed me from his life. Have I stopped longing for that friendship? No, we were together for 9 years, I cannot turn that off, even if he could and did. So yes, it does paint a picture to him of me that is unflattering. I had the means to extract some sort of revenge, and did not because that would have been wrong. I have feelings because I am a woman and human. I never claimed to be cold hearted, far from it. Emotions are something I cannot shut off, but I catch myself, more than he will ever know, from saying more than I do. Why? Because damnit, he was my life, my best friend, and the only future that I ever wanted, and now that life is forever gone.
I also shared in this blog my hopes of stepping forward with my career, or further education and training to better myself. Everything now has come to a standstill. In my belief that he and I were forever, I never stopped giving or sharing what I did have, which was credit, used to make OUR lives better. We were partners in my heart, you give what you have when the other has needs. Sometime during his decision process on why he should get rid of me, he decided I was stealing from him. This has also been mentioned in this blog. If the cards were used to help us, how could it be that paying for them together was stealing? I have just spent the last 3 days calling creditors and departments of taxation for federal and state. My future has come to a dead stop
. If it gives him any pleasure to know that I am ruined to the end of my days, well now he has it and can celebrate my economic death so to speak. I will never recover from the debt, the cards alone come to $18,000 plus whatever they keep charging me in late or no payments. The government wants about $6000 that I do not have. That is from capital gains from withdrawling from my 401K to pay his back taxes. They all want money that I do not have. My current salary does not meet my own needs, let alone has enough left over to pay any other bill. Will the government understand? Never. I plan on filing for bankruptcy, but with the new laws, they can still hold me accountable to pay them back, and it won't provide me additional income at all. I cannot claim my car without surrendering it back to the company I am paying to. So..I hope my readers will forgive me this..I am fucked.
You see, I am not sure if I should continue this blog. I cannot impart words of wisdom when I have none for myself. I cannot paint a rosy picture when my own seems very bleak. I cannot even show that I have moved forward because of my feelings for him. I don't entertain any hope of being back in his life, he has made it very clear with his silence that he wants no part of me at all. And I understand. He does read this blog, I did vent on more than one entry in an unfriend-like manner the things I felt about why he did what he did to me. And, though I have been counseled to forgive, it is really hard to do that when my future lies before me like it does. What happened to me I would expect from an enemy, but never from someone who professed to love me. There are times I feel truly abandoned and bewildered as to what happened and why it happened. I have searched for answers in my head and in my heart, and there is only one thing I can think of to say....
"Ron...I said some truly cruel things in a note to you after the proposal. You likely did not deserve them, and I sincerely apologize. My own insecurity and fear fed my paranoia, and an awful spew of crap ended up in that email. I know that saying this changes nothing, but I am sorry. "
If there were doubts on his part, I am sure my paranoid note tipped the scale against me. It does not in anyway excuse his own actions. It was something that should have been yelled about, or talked about...but that never happened, he considered 'Us' to far gone, and envisioned a different future for himself., and set his planning in motion, without me ever knowing until the signs of my demise were acted on by him, and later voiced at the very end. Weird...but we never really had very many fights. It is sadly unfortunate that we did not fight more over that note..it might have saved us.
So I am not innocent, I did set some of the things that happened into motion. I paid for that through months of heartbreak, and will continue to pay for what remains of my life. I have a debt for two, to be paid by one. If I cannot see a future for me, I cannot promise one for my readers who might be looking for their own paths through troubled times. This is not a blog saying I am quitting the planet, just an end to my dreams. I am a poor role model for hope. My soul searching here has come to an end. I might start a different blog, but nothing more about what happened to me and him.
Thank you all so much for sharing advice and hugs (from 2 special readers)
I wish you all the best and good bye.
K
the sunny surface is far away, too far to reach out and touch.
Time has buried some treasures there, disguised in coral and barnacles,
now a mysterious mound of what-nots, that may or may not be found.
The citizens of the deepest blue swim blindly admists the blackness,
their lives spent in constant cold, what they were born to be, odd and
frightenly beautiful;
all held tight to life in the coldest of the sea, the surface never to be encountered.
* * * * *
I started this blog as a journey and had hoped that my experiences might be of benefit to other women who also found themselves cheated or abandoned by a long time partner. It has been a battle for me personally, to try to find the positive in such a negative part of my life. For a short while it seemed like with some grit and determination I might actually get by and move forward with my new life. It always disturbed me that if I shared too much of the negative, despite it being a venting place for myself, that I would send the wrong message to other readers.
Day to day, my feelings towards my ex-lover of 9 years continue to bounce back and forth. If you ask him I am sure he would claim I was unstable, but I don't think that would be correct. My feelings do go back and forth regarding him due to my own emotions, and how my life here alone came to be. I don't think it is unhealthy, especially in my circumstance. Anger, feelings of loss, bitterness, and yet sometimes longing that we had not turned out how we did. Which is why at several points I plead for continued friendship, regardless to the betrayal. After seeing him once, I knew I was kidding myself, and apologized to him. I could not replace my loss with the person who dismissed me from his life. Have I stopped longing for that friendship? No, we were together for 9 years, I cannot turn that off, even if he could and did. So yes, it does paint a picture to him of me that is unflattering. I had the means to extract some sort of revenge, and did not because that would have been wrong. I have feelings because I am a woman and human. I never claimed to be cold hearted, far from it. Emotions are something I cannot shut off, but I catch myself, more than he will ever know, from saying more than I do. Why? Because damnit, he was my life, my best friend, and the only future that I ever wanted, and now that life is forever gone.
I also shared in this blog my hopes of stepping forward with my career, or further education and training to better myself. Everything now has come to a standstill. In my belief that he and I were forever, I never stopped giving or sharing what I did have, which was credit, used to make OUR lives better. We were partners in my heart, you give what you have when the other has needs. Sometime during his decision process on why he should get rid of me, he decided I was stealing from him. This has also been mentioned in this blog. If the cards were used to help us, how could it be that paying for them together was stealing? I have just spent the last 3 days calling creditors and departments of taxation for federal and state. My future has come to a dead stop
. If it gives him any pleasure to know that I am ruined to the end of my days, well now he has it and can celebrate my economic death so to speak. I will never recover from the debt, the cards alone come to $18,000 plus whatever they keep charging me in late or no payments. The government wants about $6000 that I do not have. That is from capital gains from withdrawling from my 401K to pay his back taxes. They all want money that I do not have. My current salary does not meet my own needs, let alone has enough left over to pay any other bill. Will the government understand? Never. I plan on filing for bankruptcy, but with the new laws, they can still hold me accountable to pay them back, and it won't provide me additional income at all. I cannot claim my car without surrendering it back to the company I am paying to. So..I hope my readers will forgive me this..I am fucked.
You see, I am not sure if I should continue this blog. I cannot impart words of wisdom when I have none for myself. I cannot paint a rosy picture when my own seems very bleak. I cannot even show that I have moved forward because of my feelings for him. I don't entertain any hope of being back in his life, he has made it very clear with his silence that he wants no part of me at all. And I understand. He does read this blog, I did vent on more than one entry in an unfriend-like manner the things I felt about why he did what he did to me. And, though I have been counseled to forgive, it is really hard to do that when my future lies before me like it does. What happened to me I would expect from an enemy, but never from someone who professed to love me. There are times I feel truly abandoned and bewildered as to what happened and why it happened. I have searched for answers in my head and in my heart, and there is only one thing I can think of to say....
"Ron...I said some truly cruel things in a note to you after the proposal. You likely did not deserve them, and I sincerely apologize. My own insecurity and fear fed my paranoia, and an awful spew of crap ended up in that email. I know that saying this changes nothing, but I am sorry. "
If there were doubts on his part, I am sure my paranoid note tipped the scale against me. It does not in anyway excuse his own actions. It was something that should have been yelled about, or talked about...but that never happened, he considered 'Us' to far gone, and envisioned a different future for himself., and set his planning in motion, without me ever knowing until the signs of my demise were acted on by him, and later voiced at the very end. Weird...but we never really had very many fights. It is sadly unfortunate that we did not fight more over that note..it might have saved us.
So I am not innocent, I did set some of the things that happened into motion. I paid for that through months of heartbreak, and will continue to pay for what remains of my life. I have a debt for two, to be paid by one. If I cannot see a future for me, I cannot promise one for my readers who might be looking for their own paths through troubled times. This is not a blog saying I am quitting the planet, just an end to my dreams. I am a poor role model for hope. My soul searching here has come to an end. I might start a different blog, but nothing more about what happened to me and him.
Thank you all so much for sharing advice and hugs (from 2 special readers)
I wish you all the best and good bye.
K
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