I wanted to update a bit on this topic, since Mel and I had a running comment from the first entry.
Maybe my perception of forgive is the wrong take. Maybe because R ingrained in me the last 2 months we were together that he did not want forgiveness, colored my entry. From his take, if I forgive, it means that I might try to get us back together. I want to reassure him that this will never happen. I will forgive to the point of friendship only, it is obvious that we are not good for each other anymore in the romance department. I am not what he wants, and I would not want to be with someone who did not want me, and me alone. It would be a step backwards, and devastating to me.
Something inside of him makes it impossible for him to be exclusive to any woman. The words "I will love you forever" are simply words, after all..to him, what is the time limit of forever? The words simply sound good, present an impression he intended at the time, but not forever in the real sense. It is a sales pitch, himself as the product. I am not blaming him anymore for how he is put together, broken is broken, not repairable. I do, in fact, feel sorry for him. He will forever be the hamster that runs the wheel and never gets anywhere on a personal level. Sooner or later, no matter what woman he is with, he will climb back onto the wheel for another spin.
So forgive, yes. I cannot move on as Mel suggests without it. Forget, no, I won't forget the past, I can't, it is what has shaped me as the person I am today. And if you do read this entry R, I wish you would just relax. It is finished, over and done with. I have no designs or battle plan for reinstatement as a life partner. Friendship would have been nice, but I think you are still paranoid that I might take back the last several months and the resulting freedom you believe you have. There is no settling dust, just a grave marker that has already been wept over.
Maybe my perception of forgive is the wrong take. Maybe because R ingrained in me the last 2 months we were together that he did not want forgiveness, colored my entry. From his take, if I forgive, it means that I might try to get us back together. I want to reassure him that this will never happen. I will forgive to the point of friendship only, it is obvious that we are not good for each other anymore in the romance department. I am not what he wants, and I would not want to be with someone who did not want me, and me alone. It would be a step backwards, and devastating to me.
Something inside of him makes it impossible for him to be exclusive to any woman. The words "I will love you forever" are simply words, after all..to him, what is the time limit of forever? The words simply sound good, present an impression he intended at the time, but not forever in the real sense. It is a sales pitch, himself as the product. I am not blaming him anymore for how he is put together, broken is broken, not repairable. I do, in fact, feel sorry for him. He will forever be the hamster that runs the wheel and never gets anywhere on a personal level. Sooner or later, no matter what woman he is with, he will climb back onto the wheel for another spin.
So forgive, yes. I cannot move on as Mel suggests without it. Forget, no, I won't forget the past, I can't, it is what has shaped me as the person I am today. And if you do read this entry R, I wish you would just relax. It is finished, over and done with. I have no designs or battle plan for reinstatement as a life partner. Friendship would have been nice, but I think you are still paranoid that I might take back the last several months and the resulting freedom you believe you have. There is no settling dust, just a grave marker that has already been wept over.
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